When you’ve been married for 4 years, together for 8, romance is naturally not that same as it once was when we were falling in love. To me, falling in love and being in love are two very different feelings. Understanding that is sometimes more complicated than one thinks. We think, “Why doesn’t it feel the same?” “We lost that spark,” or, “What can we do to get it back?”
Well, I’m here to tell you that it might not ever come back, but that’s okay. Because not only are you a very different person than you were however many years ago you fell in love, but your relationship is bound to be different too.
We go on these colossal roller coasters of love, laughter, heartache and triumph and then expect our love – that spark – to remain the same? No way, Jose.
Lasting Love
I’ve overthought this topic like I overthink global warming, nuclear war, and potty training – every night like clockwork. Will our love stand the test of time? Will it survive parenthood? Because man, is parenthood throwing us for a loop (in the best most terrifying way possible) We just keep having to jumping over hurdles that have nothing or very little to do with nurturing our relationship, that was once so much easier to find the time for.
One thing I struggle with in our relationship is our love languages. They are very different. Not just in how we receive love, but in how we give it. It’s complicated, because the way my husband gives love is the way he would like to receive it. Whereas I am the opposite, the way I give love is how I recognize that he wants it, even though it’s not my natural way of showing it. But both ways are accepted by both parties because I am aware that the way my husband shows love is his best way of showing it and that’s okay with me. Even though I would really prefer another means of communicating it. I told you it was complicated!
So why not just ask him to speak my love language? GIRLLLL I do! It’s just not that simple. If you’ve read the book “The 5 Love Languages” then you know how complicated it can be to get your partner to speak your love language. But that doesn’t mean it’s a dealbreaker. I found being aware of our love languages is half the battle.
Get to the Point
You’re probably wondering – What does this have to do with not saying “I love you?” so I’ll cut to the chase. I decided to get creative – how can I get my husband to speak my love language without simply forcing him to unnaturally and probably reluctantly do so? We must change the course of our communications. I need more quality time. Not just sitting in front of the T.V. watching Survivor together. Like actual, one-on-one, talking to one another, touching, face to face time. And while our toddler parent status does not allow for a lot of that, I decided to make some changes in the few hours of the night that we do get alone time. (I promise I’ll get to the “I love you” thing soon.)
Romance vs. Parenthood
The first change we made was – One night of no TV. I know that doesn’t seem like a lot, but in our house it is. We like TV. So one night a week the TV does not come on unless it’s to play music. We usually play a game or do a craft until our son goes to bed and then we continue playing said game, read in bed together or other things that I’ll leave to your imagination. 😉
Turns out “No TV Night” is a game changer! Instead sitting and staring in the same direction all night, making random comments about the show’s commentary or laughing at people we don’t know – we laugh and stare at each other. Love tank filling up!
The Moment You’ve All Been Waiting For
We don’t say “I love you” – you know at the end of the night when you’re settling into bed and your husband is too far away from you snuggled into position so you just say “I love you” and roll over? Well, I put a stop to that bad habit. We’ve come way too far and really love each other WAY TOO MUCH to just mutter the words simply for the sake of putting a close to a long crazy day. So, I decided one night that instead of absently saying “I love you” to one another, we would think of a reason why we love each other and THAT is what we would say in place of “I love you.” Sometimes it would be totally romantic – “I love the way your eyes light up when you laugh” and some nights it would be absolutely hysterical as my silly husband would fill in the blank with a fart! I love the way you _______ <<<< insert fart. Yup, but you know what? We were communicating and also laughing uncontrollably so I call that a win.
I really enjoy not saying “I love you.” I look forward to it at the end of each day. Plus, happy bonus – when we actually do say “I love you” it means that much more, because it’s not just an overused phrase we say when leaving in the morning, hanging up the phone or going to bed. So I am challenging YOU to stop saying those three little words and come up with more thoughtful words to say at the end of the day. It really can open up a dialogue in your relationship that you didn’t know was lacking. It may take some time to get your man to open up, but take baby steps. As long as you’re practicing it, it can only get better, right? And really, who doesn’t want to hear a little flattery before they go to bed at night? It might even lead to something else, if you know what I mean. 😉
