To the Mom Who Feels Like She’s Losing It: I See You

Another mom and I were talking after after dropping our kids off at school a few weeks ago.

We were lamenting the difficulties with remembering all the homework and various projects required of our 1st graders. Another mom was passing by as she rushed off after dropping her daughter off a few minutes late. She must have overheard a few words and said to me, “yeah right, like you ever forget anything. You always have everything together.” I was so incredibly shocked by this statement I didn’t know what to say.

Initially I just laughed the whole exchange off. I remember the times we’ve been late, I’ve left his lunch on the counter, or his homework packet went untouched all week. I know this particular mom is doing it all on her own. She seems like she is always running late and a little frazzled. On occasion, I have offered to help her when she had that look we all get after a long week (or month, or year!). She never took me up on the offers, but I didn’t think in a million years that it translated to some sort of ‘I have my life together’ vibe.

After giving the whole incident a little thought I realized a couple of things.

First, I think this is something we all do. There are other moms in our lives who we think of as having it all together. The ones we are close with typically know that most of us feel like we are about one thread from falling apart, but the rest probably don’t have a clue. I don’t attempt to put on a face that I have my life figured out, but maybe it’s there anyway.

I know we, as moms, try to be everything for everyone. We are strong and selfless, sometimes to a fault. I know I don’t ask for help often, and I take on way more than I probably should. I’m pretty honest about my life feeling manic on good days and unmanageable on bad days and I don’t mind the chinks in my armor. But maybe, just maybe, we need to let our flaws show sometimes without feeling so vulnerable. I realized I could learn something from this mom: you never have to guess what’s going on with her.

Second, that while I try very hard not to judge other moms, it still happens. About a week later, I found out a mom I had thought was standoffish has a child going through chemotherapy. One can assume she is also trying to keep it all together for her family during such a tough time. We all cope in different ways with the stressors in our lives, and we all show it differently as well. It’s about time we recognize that this mom thing is hard. Often it is harder than we admit even to ourselves.

So, to the mom who feels like she’s losing it…

If you’re the mom with multiple kids: I see you trying to balance each little personality, each activity, each need. It’s hectic and you probably want to pull your hair out sometimes because you can never get any peace. It’ll come eventually, and you may even miss the chaos. You CAN lean on those around you. A good mom friend won’t mind that you haven’t showered in a few days or the noise level in your house is always at max volume.

If you’re the mom doing it on her own: I can see it in your face that you don’t think you are getting anything right. I know you run all the errands, do all the laundry and housework, work a full day, and try to be there when your babies need you. There may be more McDonald’s for dinner than you ever expected. You might feel that you are one tiny bit of bad news away from losing everything. It isn’t just you, I promise! A good mom friend will let you lose it, knowing that you need to get it all off your chest. Don’t wait too long, let someone in enough that they can help shoulder some of your burden.

If you’re the mom with relationship issues: I know that having trouble with your partner can be more stressful than raising children. Whether you are just going through a rough patch, or things are not working out, getting through relationship problems while raising kids is really hard. Get help if you can. The professional kind. It can be more beneficial than you would ever expect. Your friends can help of course, but sometimes a professional has a perspective we hadn’t thought of and they aren’t as invested in the relationship as our friends can be.

If you are the mom who feels like she is barely holding everything together, whatever the reason: I see you, and me too. I do not have it all figured out. I forget more than I remember sometimes. We have to skip events I would like to attend because I just can’t make it all work. Sometimes I have the best of intentions and things just fall apart. I know I am not the only one. In fact, I would venture to guess that the mom who feels like she has everything under control is somewhat of an anomaly.

We all put on these masks, sometimes without even knowing it. It may not look like it, but most of us are feeling the same things and we can learn a lot from each other.