I’ll Admit It, My Daughter has Wiped My Tears

Sometimes life throws you a curveball.

We all are presented with challenges. But, then there are the curveballs that hit you dead in the face – the ones you weren’t remotely prepared for.  But, inevitably, it needs to be dealt with. Since becoming a mother, I have found more strength through this journey than anything ever before. I have always considered myself a strong woman (maybe more strong-willed, lol), but as I deal with new personal and professional struggles, I find strength in her. (Yes, she is only 2.5, but she is very strong-willed like her mama).

Maybe your relationship failed, or you are going through a divorce, maybe you lost a job, or are dealing with the loss of a loved one. I dealt with many of these types of events prior to having my daughter, but it is significantly different facing these challenges as a mother. It obviously presents more unique challenges to go through a difficult situation, but honestly, Kaia has been my rock, more times than I would like to admit. She has forced me to keep going or make decisions that without her I might not have had to make. 

We all find strength in different things – my daughter has given me the strength I have needed to get through the past couple months, to stay firm, and from falling apart. If I had her 10 years ago, I would probably be running for president or a CEO of a fortune 500 company!

Finding strength in our children and leaning on them is just a part of the process of any difficult time. Showing no emotion or sheltering them completely might have a worse effect if you ask me (but I am no doctor). I believe the key is to treat them with undying love, and above all try your hardest to keep their innocence intact. Maintaining their innocence means not sharing your problems with them; instead, allowing them to see your struggles from a distance, and seeing you rise above it.

I wanted to share a letter I wrote to my daughter. Maybe I will give it to her when she is older, or maybe I am using this as a therapeutic process of healing, because writing is just that. I do believe in the importance of recognizing mistakes, downfalls or weaknesses, and I now realize is it is OK to verbalize them, share them, and learn to grow and be a better mom. No one does it perfectly but when we have love and trust as the foundation of any parent-child relationship, we will get through it. 

Kaia, thank you for changing my world, you flipped it upside down, but there isn’t anything I would do differently. You have given me a hope and a drive to achieve more than I ever would have before you came into my life. Investing in myself, taking the leap and investing in the San Diego Moms Blog, joining an amazing team at Cloak & Petal, and furthering my event planning career and company are a few of the biggest steps I have ever taken in my life, and I have taken them with you by my side.

You wake up with a smile, you go to bed with a smile, you are the oxygen and breath of fresh air I have needed during this time.

My prayer is that although you have been the catalyst for the change that I needed to make, that I never let you feel that burden. You wiped my tears many of the nights over the past few months, my only prayer is that you don’t recall those moments and if you do that all you remember is your mom standing back up taller and stronger than ever. I don’t want you to feel pain, hurt and/or disappointment (if I can limit the amount oh trust me I will) but those things are all a part of this thing called “life”. I hope you will one day be able to communicate your feelings in ways I was never able to, to strive for excellence and know that if you fail you have support and to always get back up. Processing moments of failure, disappointment or hurt is what makes you who you are, and how you respond to that and is what will define you. I hope that you will find strength in me one day when you need it most, as you were there for me. 

Kaia my love, I pray for you every day, I love you with all my heart and thank you for being my rock and point of light when all you really wanted to do was play hide and seek.
Love, Mom

To all of my mommas (single or married) out there struggling, you are not alone. It is ok to share your feelings and not be perfect all the time. It is ok to reach out for help. This is honestly what I am most excited about in my new role here with SDMB. I hope we can be the extended family you don’t have here in San Diego or the friend you need to cry, laugh, or be angry with. We are here for you and we are all in this together.