5 Things I Want My Teenage Sons to Know About Sex

This year my oldest son, who is 17, went to prom for the first time with his girlfriend. He asked me if they could “spend the night somewhere” afterward. I told him “no”, and explained why it made me uncomfortable, but that conversation led to a much larger one, about sex.

I would consider my views on teenage sex as realistic. As an adult, I understand that teens cannot grasp the many implications sex has, but as a former teen, I can remember the excitement and eagerness of exploration. Both of my sons have not done the deed yet, however, the oldest said that his girlfriend is ready, and prom seemed to be the catalyst.

Even though I did not give him permission to stay the night somewhere, I realize that where there is a will there’s a way. So, as much as I see them as my “boys”, I understand that sex will happen eventually, and I want them to be prepared. Here are the five things that I thought it was important for them to know:

What I Want My Sons to Know About Sex:

1. Porn is not an accurate representation of sex. Porn is like any other Hollywood movie. For example, Fast and the Furious. Is that the way people drive in everyday life? Porn is similar, it may be sex, but it is a hyper-realistic version made to attract viewers. Porn has paid actors and is edited. Not everyone’s body can measure up, and humans are real with emotions, noises, and fluids that (most) porn leaves out.
2. All sex should begin with Communication and Consent. This is a big one. Sex is so emotional and physical that partners should always be checking in to know how the other is. Even though you might feel amazing, your partner might not like it. And either person has the ability to stop the interaction at ANY time.
3. Condoms are non-negotiable. My sons had Sex Ed in 5th grade, and no follow-up since. I was shocked to hear that they thought all STDs were curable. The look on their faces when I told them that if they contracted something like herpes, 1) it would be with them forever and 2) they would have to explain that to every partner they ever have. Also – babies can be conceived! When I asked if they would be comfortable buying their own condoms, they both said yes. Then I asked what kind they would buy? Magnums? Lubricated? Ribbed? Latex? Silence. I also made sure they knew the correct way of putting them on. They had an idea, but it was mostly just an assumption. I stressed that condoms are not 100% effective and additional precautions should be taken.
4. Hymens are real. Both of my sons didn’t realize that sex could be painful for a female the first time. They didn’t realize there might be blood. I explained that it wasn’t anything to be frightened of, but again, to always check in with their partner and stop if they need to. And also be prepared for clean-up.
5. Sex doesn’t just mean penetration. Even though penetration is what most people think sex is, there is so much more that can be explored. Every person is different and likes different things. Proper foreplay will not only escalate the excitement but will also aid with lubrication. If you are with a partner, you need to take the time and communicate, to learn what is best for them.

I hope that my teenage sons don’t rush into any sexual relations soon. But I want them to feel comfortable talking to me about what is going on in their lives. If that means talking about sex, I will do it openly and respectfully. Hopefully, they will be prepared when the time comes.

Here are some more great resources for talking to your older children about sex:

Guidance from the CDC

Planned Parenthood

Mayo Clinic

Photo by Alexis Brown on Unsplash