I’ve always loved writing. I wanted to be a writer before I ever wanted to be anything else. But, as is often the case, dreams shift and change. I have yet to become the novelist I’ve dreamed of.
A few years ago, after leaving my full-time job and enduring a debilitating yoga injury where I couldn’t teach yoga anymore, I finally sat down to write. However, I didn’t know where to start. People said, “Start journaling.” I dabbled. Once in a while, I would write musings, but not on a regular basis.
It wasn’t until just 1 year ago that I began to journal daily. And I have found it a great tool to calm me, when my mind is jumbled, in a fog. When I am unsure of what to do, anxious, for seemingly no reason—I write. I figure it out on paper.
Not so long ago, the Timkin Museum in Balboa Park exhibited Anne Frank’s journals during WWII and the Holocaust. It was incredible to see how the journals of a young girl can give insight for us today, into what people lived during that time. Beyond “official records,” we see daily life in her journals. The humanity behind the suffering.
So when this whole thing started, it was no surprise to me that my son’s teacher recommended they start a journal of this historic event.
So with all this in mind, today, here, I wish to share with you a bit of my own mind during this pandemic; and perhaps you will find solace, hope, or insight, in following the journey of a relatively spoiled suburbia mom, as she manages this life-changing global pandemic.
enjoy…
3-14-2020
Yesterday it was announced that schools would be closed for the next 3 weeks.
Lines of people trying to buy toilet paper—those that actually need it find themselves somewhat concerned by the shortage caused by others.
Even though this is no Black Plague, I can’t help but sense that creepy energy of despair. It is in the air itself! The stock market is down, people are losing jobs. Indeed, it is easy to fall into the trap. The trap of fear without even being sick yourself.
But then I think, “Should I worry? Should I go into fight or flight mode? But who do I fight? Where do I fly?”
It is always easy to be good, kind, charitable even when times are good. It is in a crisis that our charity earns merit. When the world says, “Despair!” and we say, “Love,” that we live the graces of the Spirit.
3/20/2020
“All things work for good for those who love God,” – Romans 8:28
Every day, God blesses us with a new dawn. May it refresh us to see God in everything, even in this…
Thank you, God, for your voice, your Spirit, that is what gives humanity that special adaptability and will to do good – not just survive.
Good really can come…
04/01/2020
Yesterday, I was distracted all day. no room for my prayer or journaling. At times it feels like I am desperate. I got food at Nutmeg. That was a relief.
I am tired. but happy.
Today is my 14th Anniversary with my husband. When did I ever think we’d be here today?
Yesterdays’ readings and lectures are so deep with meaning. They are about true faith and wisdom of God.
Trust in God. To avoid wallowing in complaints when times are not “as good” as they once were.
I thought about this in isolation. And how everyone’s go-to is to complain, or send dire news to everyone. When what people need are hopeful, edifying messages. Yes, the desert is a long one – a hard, treacherous journey. And it will probably get worse…but the clouds will part and the tomb will be empty.
And we will cry out, “Alleluia!”
04/08/2020
I am restless. Unable to go outside as it is rainy and cold, and I know walking is what helps my back so much. But so does pilates. I’ll be ok. And I should ask the kids to participate more in meal prep. I can’t do it all…
A flower bloomed in the plant mom gave me from my Uncle’s memorial Mass 2 years ago. And now his son, my distant cousin, died from coronavirus. I feel like the flower is a sign that He is now with God. He is better now, with his Dad.
What a tragedy. So young. Maybe this is a bigger deal than I thought. Maybe… my back pain is nothing. I must relish every drop of life.
04/18/2020
Today I shared with my husband my insecurities and how now that I’m spending more time on social media, I suddenly feel this crazy need for affirmation from complete strangers. How can this be? As old as I am? That I even care?
Has this always been the case, but I always kept busy, too distracted to notice? And now I see my weakness. I need my friends. But they are also dealing with so much. I need a drink. Is it really that bad to day drink during this thing?
04/26/2020
I must gain composure. Even amid the boredom, uncertainty, and fears. Especially because of them.
God, I don’t know if I will make it. A general uneasiness follows me everywhere… but failure is NOT an option. People count on me. Little people. I must not despair… I am growing, learning, maturing.
With each new dawn, come new chances. And so I go with faith and resolve. With ánimo.
*Ánimo is a word used in Spanish to cheer someone up – to motivate them to get up and do what they need.
And so with this, I close. Still a long journey ahead, but I do hope these journal snippets from the mind of a fellow mama send a message of ánimo for all of you: beautiful, strong, and loving mamas.
