“We Were on a BREAK” (What does “Separation” mean in a Marriage?)

What does “separation” look like or even mean to married couples?

Do we still wear our rings?

Do we pretend everything is ok?

When can we ask for friends’ and family’s help?

How does a couple married for so long even separate?

How does this work with children in the picture?

My days and hours are getting blurrier and I am honestly lost in a game of what are “we” doing? What am “I” doing? Sometimes space seems to be the only step left in attempts to save a marriage, but currently I’m falling into a black pit of questions. 

Is he allowed to be here? How much time is too much together/apart? Can we even afford financially to try this? 

The big one, COULD THIS REALLY SAVE OUR MARRIAGE? Or did this just become the last nail to our coffin?

And probably the most important, IS THIS RIGHT FOR OUR CHILD?

It’s hard. I google everything I can to make this “separation” make sense. So far the best article I’ve found was on Marriage.com. Some of these guidelines make some sort of sense. I’ve also turned her top point “trial is a trial” into my mantra for self reassurance.

I’m trying my best to make this feel like a break, so he can sort through his demons, but I’m not sure he sees any of it. Some days I feel like the freedom of time is only making him angrier, he’s pushing me away further. How do you check on someone that is hurting that much? It hurts me not to check on him and reach out for him, but the space is required for the growth, right? And when I do check, I always feel worse in the end. There is no comfort there and my trying to soothe him only makes him feel like I am prying. I am hurting 2 birds with this one stone.

Therapy is helpful, recommended and required, but it’s not frequent enough or affordable enough. I feel like there’s a price tag on our marriage, one that we struggle to afford.

It’s hard to tell if we are doing this right.

Today, I have never felt more alone. Is this what I am supposed to be feeling? Does feeling alone really help? 

I wish I knew the answers for any of this or what the future holds. If you have some answers I’m willing to listen, though I pray no one else is out there suffering like this in the past or present. Sadly, I am aware of the stats and am unable to ignore the amount of marriages lost, but hopefully we can offer each other some wisdom, a ear to fall on, or a shoulder to cry on, for we know we really aren’t alone in this struggle, as isolating as it feels.

Marriage should be love and 2 people refusing to give up on each other. I just hope this “separation” gets us back there and we are smart enough to miss the sitcom moments of Ross & Rachel’s “WE WERE ON A BREAK!” Pray for us. Send your positive spirit and vibes, this fight continues.